Dear Depression, You Win.

Today, depression won. (**WARNING: Language**)

Depression. You son of a bitch. I can feel you gloating with every ounce of that million pound weight that’s just sitting on my chest. You kept me in bed for 45 minutes longer than I wanted to be this morning. You pushed me into the bathroom just for a 15-minute cry break in the middle of my work day. You forced me to cancel plans with my friends because I didn’t want to leave the comfort of my own bedroom.

You bastard.

You won today.

Don’t gloat for too long though. Tomorrow is just around the corner and you’d better believe I’m putting my gloves on. I’m seeing my doctor tomorrow to see if I can change my meds. You thought I’d be scared to ask for help but I’m not, I’m stronger than you thought. I also told my friend about you, how you beat me, how you abuse me, and they’re going to help me kick your ass. They’re forcing me to read the Bible with them tomorrow.

That’s right. Fan meet feces.

I’m going to fight you from every angle I have. I’m going to pray because I know you’re strong but God is stronger. I’m going to see the doctor because I know you’re strong but God made doctors who have figured you out and can help me. I’m going to NOT cancel my plans because I know you only win when I isolate myself. I’m going to see my counselor because I know you grow stronger with my silence. I’m going to NOT drink or smoke because I know your voice only gets louder when I do.

I’m going to do all the things that piss you off.

And even if I don’t? Even if you win a couple of those battles? Even if I cancel plans again or maybe take longer than I’d like to get out of bed? I’m going to come back fighting the next day. I’m not giving up, and what scares you even more is that God never gives up on me. I’m not going to buy a gun. I’m not going to jump off this ledge because Jesus is bigger than you and He has a purpose bigger than you and loves me more than you love watching a person stop breathing.

I stand here beat up, bloodied, bruised and broken but the fact that I’m actually standing is proof that you can knock me down but you can’t keep me there. The scars you gave me I’m using to inspire others. The tears I’ve cried I’m using to wash away the fears of others. Every night you kept me awake, every moment you kept me away, I’m going to make up for by fighting.

Even if I lose some battles, I will win this war.

Scratch that. WE will win this war.

I’m just a broken human, but don’t you ever forget the One who carries me. My desire to die will never be greater than my desire to live for Jesus.

So depression, maybe it’s time that YOU gave up. You’re picking a battle you can’t win.

Lairs Johnston
Lairs is the chief of sinners, saved by grace, with a life that just goes to show you God can use anyone.

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