When I’m Wishing My Suicide Attempt Had Worked—Two Words Remind Me Why It Didn’t

I don’t know why God kept me alive, but two words give me some insight.

This story is pretty morbid, but if you promise to stay with me I think it’ll pay off.

Funny how that first sentence kind of sums up everything else I have to say.

Today is one of “those” days that came at the end of one of “those” months. My mom took off and had an affair and I had to block her number because of the things she was texting me. Some really bad allergies have been killing my sleep—making me extra emotional—and to add insult to injury, today my car was stolen.

It’s days like these that Satan loves to bring up my past. Like how when I was 21, I attempted suicide.

It wasn’t a cry for help, it was a goodbye. Two-hundred-forty-seven aspirin mixed with a fifth of vodka should have done the trick, especially for someone who never really had alcohol. Apparently, I took the pills too quickly and threw enough of them up that my life was spared. That’s the scientific reason, anyway.

Then there’s God. I do believe He had a hand in keeping me alive, I just didn’t know why He did. Now I think I have a guess.

Something I like to call, “This” days.

I believe there will come a day when I’m sitting front row at my kid’s piano recital/soccer game/juggling contest and I’ll see them doing what they love and I’ll hear God whisper to me “This day.” Why did God save me? Because this day was coming and He didn’t want me to miss it. There’ll come a time when I’m at the altar committing my life to someone way out of my league and I’ll hear God say, “This day.” I believe one day my mom will stop her affair and stop running and come home and in that moment I’ll hear God say, “This day.”

But it’s hard here and now, and waiting sucks.

Right now I’m typing this through tears as I try to let it sink in that my car was just stolen and I haven’t felt this alone in a long time. I do know Jesus though. I know His plans are bigger than my dreams and He has some pretty incredible “This days” waiting for me in the future.

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There are valleys, sure. In these valleys it can get really easy to wonder why God didn’t just let me die in the ER. I’ve even been fighting the devil as he tries to tell me that I deserved to have my car stolen because of how bad of a person I am. That if I was a better kid my mom wouldn’t have run away and maybe she’s right, it’s my fault. I know Satan wants me to believe that because he knows “This days” are coming too, and that scares the shit out of him. He knows that God is going to do awesome things in my life and all of that could go away with the pull of a trigger.

Noah didn’t know the future when he was building a boat in the desert as his friends made fun of him. Moses had to lead a nation through a sea before seeing the promised land. Miracles don’t come from places of comfort or victory, they come through struggle, and the beauty of loving Jesus is I don’t face those struggles alone.

So sorry not sorry, Satan…this day will end, and “This day” will come. You can fight it all you want and you know what? You’re right…I don’t deserve anything. I deserve death. But because of Jesus, death has lost its sting and I am going to wake up and fight. You’re greater than me, but you don’t stand a chance against the One who is in me.

For everyone in the midst of the storm, hang on, hang on to Him for dear life. Better days are coming and when you get to those better days you’re going to hear Him say, “This day.” Praise Him in the storm. Like I said in the beginning, life can be pretty morbid—but if you stay with Him, I know it’ll pay off.

Lairs Johnston
Lairs is the chief of sinners, saved by grace, with a life that just goes to show you God can use anyone.

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