I recently looked at a dictionary for what they had written next to the word “suicide”. The dictionary’s definition of suicide was; “the act of killing yourself because you do not want to continue living.” Let’s go more in depth with this definition, because I believe it’s lacking more depth. Note: 90% of suicides are of those suffering with some mental disorder. To me the real definition of suicide is one’s act of ending their life because they don’t know how to live and cope with their pain and suffering because it’s too painful and too much to bare. Because of this, suicide seems to be the only solution to ending their problems. Now that I think about it, people don’t kill themselves, their disease does that for them.
Depression kills people. The stigma surrounding depression leads to that as well. When someone is dealing with depression, they lose themselves completely and do things irrationally because mentally their brain isn’t wired correctly to make the right decisions. And one can’t think straight. They don’t see hope or light or the fact that pain isn’t forever. They don’t see the effects of what their actions are doing.
Pain blinds the heart and mind. All someone feels is distress, loneliness, weakness, and tiredness. All someone sees is failure, hate, and no redemption. Eventually they can’t take it any more. When one is suffering with depression, pain feels like an eternity.
There is only a matter of time when suicidal thoughts begins to sprinkle inside someone’s mind who is dealing with depression(usually severe depression.) The thought of suicide begins as a thought here and there but not much, but then the thought of it clings to their mind and suddenly all they can think about is suicide. Sometimes the entire day can be just thinking of that.
See, I know all to well about that. I know all too well about wanting to commit to suicide and surrender to depression. The last four years of my life the only thing that’s stayed with me is depression. Most of my friends have left due to the state that I was in and I’m still in. I’m fighting this war that’s far from being over.
My life has been nothing but battles lost and some won. But it’s the battles we lose that we remember and hurt us most and not the ones we’ve won. Since the age of 16 I’ve been to adolescent treatment at a mental hospital, I’ve had failed therapy, and anti-depressants that didn’t really help and It leaves me to wonder if I’ll ever be “fixed.”
I’m only 20, I feel like I’m 30 because of everything I’ve been having to go through. I ask myself when will I be cured? Will I ever be cured? Not depression, but me. I don’t need depression to be cured, I need myself to be. Depression has burned friendships, has left holes In my heart that will never be filled, and has left me to fall apart. Depression has left me to wonder who’s the man in the mirror? I’ve lost him. Losing myself, that was easy. Picking the broken pieces off the floor that’s left of me, that’s the hard part.
Though it’s hard, I can’t give up. I can’t kill myself and think everything will be solved, that everything will be better. I have to come to the terms that recovery is a day by day thing. I have to continue to want to get better and keep trying to. I can’t get there if I don’t make those steps. And those steps begin with telling myself things I deserve to hear if nobody else would ever say to me. “I deserve love, happiness, warmth and forever. I deserve patience, affection, understanding and healing.”
One day someone will love me despite seeing the organic – rawness of me. I will someday be married, have kids, have vacations to Disney World and be there at night watching the fireworks and living in this movement. And thinking how lucky I am. How strong I was to make it here. I wouldn’t have had children and a beautiful wife. But I lived and allowed my story to take course. Maybe it’s not so much about the present. Maybe it’s about focusing on the destination/future and realizing the journey/present is a beautiful roller coaster ride that will lead me to a place of freeness and happiness. I plan to reach there and stay there. One day the sun will rise and I’ll have a smile brighter than it.
And to anyone battling the thoughts of suicide and contemplating on whether they should do it or not, I want you to know suicide shouldn’t be an option. Suicide won’t solve any problems you wish to make go away. You’ll only create more problems, in the lives of people who you touched.
Believe it or not your life, your story, affects everyone’s else and nothing would be the same without you in it. You have your place in this world in which you belong in. And you are a song that brings life into the lives of many people. Living should always be something you wish to continue.
There’s more to life than pain and depression. There’s hopes and dreams, there’s bucket lists to check off and there is love to create and dances that make you feel free. There’s laughter to come and awkward moments you’ll look back later on and laugh at. You have birthdays to look forward to, your 18th and 21st. Let’s not forget about falling in love and being loved by someone so much despite them knowing the baggage you bring into the relationship. One day you’re going to get married, have kids, grow old and live the rest of your life being a survivor and honestly there is nothing wrong with that. And in my eyes you deserve a trophy, a medal, a rose or a plaque congratulating you for living when you could of taken your life.
You’re a survivor. Have pride in that. You didn’t give up. You fought like hell every single day and night. People don’t understand how hard and mentally exhausting that is. But hey, you did it. I’m proud of you. If you’re a suicide survivor, thank you for holding on and not leaving in the middle of the song. If you’ve been thinking of suicide please get help, please reach out. So many people are here to help. I promise you can get through this battle and you will. –
Written by Tony Cox — originally appeared on freeandabove.com