Church has been hard the past couple of years.
I shared this quote last time, and it feels like where I’ve been:
“[Getting lost] can happen anywhere, in all kinds of ways. You can get lost on your way home. You can get lost looking for love. You can get lost between jobs. You can get lost looking for God. However it happens, take heart. Others before you have found a way in the wilderness, where ther are as many angels as there are wild beasts, and plenty of other lost people too. All it takes is one of them to find you. All it takes is you to find one of them.” Barbara Taylor Bradford, An Altar in the World
A little bit lost: on my way home, looking for love, between jobs, looking for God.[video-ad]
Check, check, check, and check.
You know what I think I’ve wanted church to do for me? I think I have wanted church to get me un-lost. And it hasn’t done that. So I haven’t wanted to go. Church, if it isn’t going to get me un-lost, has often seemed like an expense of energy that I can ill afford. And that’s made it hard for me to be there, most weeks.
Wandering in the wilderness is just about enough for me to deal with.
Last Sunday, December 27, was the first Sunday in a couple of years that I actually WANTED to go to church. I’ve gone other times because Andy wants to go, and I love Andy. So I’ve gone to church and many times it’s been good to be there.
Often I’ve sung a song I needed to sing, heard words I needed to hear, spoken creeds and prayers that I needed to speak, cried tears that I needed to cry. I’ve even met some nice people.
But I didn’t really ever want to be there. Which has seemed like a very troubling and unChristian sort of sentiment to be experiencing for years at a time.
Last Sunday, I wanted to go. So we went and it was lovely. Lessons and Carols. A service of peace. A time of closure to the seasons of Advent and Christmas.
Afterward, I said to a friend, “The weirdest thing happened to me. I wanted to go to church, and I really enjoyed it. But I bet if we wait a few days, the urge will pass.”
And sure enough, by this Sunday, I didn’t want to go to church again.
But Andy did want to go, and I love Andy.
Also, our church is in East Dallas where there are tacos. After church, I can have tacos.