“I Never Realized I Was Hurting Other People”—Addict Reveals Pivotal Moment She Found Her Purpose

“Out of nowhere, by some miracle, I was no longer a useless, selfish addict. I was needed. All of a sudden. . . I had a purpose?”

“Nobody wakes up one day and decides they want to become an addict. It’s a long process filled with bad decisions and sleepless nights and wondering how you can just ‘feel ok’ again.”

In August, a woman who we’ll call Jane shared her POWERFUL story of strength, addiction, hope and recovery with the Facebook page Love What Matters with the hope that her story of overcoming the unthinkable would serve as an encouragement to others in her shoes.

Jane writes about how she grew up a “normal kid in the upper-class suburbs.”

Though her parents were constantly fighting, and later became a statistic as one of the 50 percent of marriages that end in divorce, Jane powered through. She never noticed the toll it was taking on her brother.

“Even though he was my best and only friend, I overlooked every sign.

On a morning just like any other I went to wake him up for school. He never woke up. Sometime in the night he overdosed on enough methadone to kill someone three times his size. Not suicide, just someone trying to feel normal, trying to feel ok.”

As it would be for any family, the death of Jane’s brother was impossible for her loved ones to bear. But Jane found supernatural strength in her pain that helped—to some extent—carry them through.

“Amazingly, over the next few weeks after suffering an enormous loss for the entire family, I found myself extraordinarily strong. Being there for my parents, attending counseling, pretending that I was ok. It was tiresome. My mother stood so strong, but my father crumbled. He never recovered. He passed away shortly after my brother from a massive heart attack.”

After losing her father, Jane’s life changed in ways she never could have imagined, and she began on a path of downward spiraling toward destruction.

“My mother quickly switched roles with me to become my care taker, keeping me from getting intoxicated out of my mind, helping me inside in the wee hours of the morning after partying so hard I didn’t even know where I was. But I always knew my mother was there.

Eventually when weed and alcohol and pills were not enough, my boyfriend and I turned to the needle. I spent 3 years clutching to that needle. It controlled every aspect of my life. When I ate, when I slept, when I socialized and of course my finances. It got about as bad as it could get. It blew out all the veins in my arms and I began shooting up in my neck.

I was living in my car and surviving off of honey buns from the vending machine. I was a dead girl walking, and honestly I was tired of waiting for death to take me. It was far overdue if you asked me or anyone who knew me. My mother lost everything trying to save me but we refused to lose another child to drugs. She didn’t abandon me, she stalked me and had me committed to an institution though I was released within 12 hours.

At this point she became hopeless and I realized she had all but given up on me. I never realized I was hurting other people other than me.

Eventually I did end up in treatment and came out with every single intention of using again. In a brief two weeks of sobriety I became pregnant by my estranged boyfriend that I used with.”

In that pivotal moment, becoming pregnant was the catalyst for change in Jane’s life.

“Out of nowhere, by some miracle, I was no longer a useless, selfish addict. I was needed. All of a sudden. . . I had a purpose? I had never felt that before. When I saw those two lines on that pregnancy test, I did not feel scared, in that moment, I felt relieved, I felt saved. I knew that the life I had been hardly existing in, was over. I was becoming something else. I immediately got a job as a hostess at a bar and within 6 months I was in my own apartment by myself awaiting the arrival of this sweet baby girl.”

But not everything turned to sunshine and roses. Jane’s mother had not fully forgiven her, and she was adamant in her belief that Jane should not keep the baby and raise her alone.

“Then the day came. 8:43pm on December 4th 2014 I met my hero for the first time, At 8:44 pm I was no longer an addict. I was a mother to the most beautiful miracle God ever threw in my face, for the first time in years I felt TRUE LOVE. My mother did not feel resentment anymore, she felt love for her granddaughter as she held her with tears streaming down her face looking at the 8lbs of pure joy that had saved my life and ripped that needle right out of my hand forever.”

Love What Matters

“To this day I am amazed at the beauty that came out of the worst years of my life.”

On September 19, 2017, Jane celebrated four years of sobriety. She wants others to know that addiction isn’t choosey when it comes to claiming its victims. Still, it’s never too late for an addict to get help.

“I hope this story will inspire someone to understand that just because they are lost, it doesn’t mean that they cannot be found. It doesn’t matter how far you have wandered, you can always find your way home. There is always a way out, there is always something bigger and better waiting just around the corner for you if you take the time to just look for it.”

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Bri Lamm
Bri is an outgoing introvert with a heart that beats for adventure. She lives to serve the Lord, experience the world, and eat macaroni and cheese in between capturing life’s greatest moments on one of her favorite cameras.

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